Sometimes…

Published October 12, 2012 by S

I really do hate the internet sometimes.  It’s a blessing and a burden all at the same time.  It opens up this whole world of information and makes communication so very easy, even over great distances.

Sites like Facebook and Twitter give up vehicles to express ourselves and to say all the brilliant, inspirational, and even pointless things that we say, think and feel at any given moment.  They also give us the ability to say hurtful and damaging things as well.

And with all this social networking freedom that we all have, and that most of the people I know even carry in their pockets on their smart phones, some of us are still afraid to put certain thoughts or feelings out there.

I see bloggers who inspire me not only with their intelligence and insight, but also by their fearlessness at posting their true inner selves.  They post the good, the bad, and even the incredibly ugly.  I envy them that strength and sense of self.  I do not envy their demons, but we all have demons, and thoughts and fears.

I have some of the most amazing friends a woman can ask for, and yet I hold back.  I keep certain things to myself because I don’t like rocking the boat believing that my fleeting feeling of anger or confusion, or even silly lack of understanding will haunt me down the road once my current mood passes.

Just like most people in this world, I have my secrets, my fears, my odd times of confusion and nonsensical whimsy that few people will truly understand, but even though I’m a relatively secure and emotionally sane 30-year-old adult woman…I still have insecurity and occasionally lack self-confidence.

I know what I want my life to be, and although it’s “not quite there” yet, I’ve been moving towards my goals.  Sometimes I forget my goals and I lose my way, but ultimately I move forward after each set back.

I have this unwavering sense of optimism and pride, this river of never-ending hope that runs through me.  Even in the darker times, I always feel like there is something awesome out there.  My over-active brain never stops thinking up the possibilities, both realistic and incredibly far-fetched.

I was taught to brainstorm many years ago, and write down even the wackiest ideas and plans, and as long as I can think of those ridiculous outcomes and plots, then I know that I’ll be fine.

On the flip side, my overactive imagination also overwhelms me at times.  When I create a plan, I inevitably think up several contingencies at the same time in case Plan A, B and C fail, then I usually have a somewhat ridiculous Plan D hiding in the wings.  My brain is like an “If/Then” diagram.  If X happens, proceed to A…but if Y happens, then proceed to B…I don’t like surprises (well I do, but I find myself disappointed a lot due to previously mentioned overactive imagination) and thus my brain tries to eliminate as many as possible.

Now if you have made it this far reading my post, you are most likely asking yourself, “When will she get to the point?”   Answer?  I don’t know.  My head is so full of random thought tonight and I’m not sure I can actually put it together into a natural flow.  My friends have always told me (whether true or just being supportive friends) that I have a way with words, and writing, but right now I feel lacking in direction…which to my detriment will most likely continue to hinder my life long dream of being a published (and hopefully actually known) author.  I don’t have it in me to create a story with a fictional and possibly fantasy based plot.  I’m not good at creating dialogue and developing truly meaningful characters and stories.  My brain just doesn’t work that way…and is most likely why at the age of 15 I thought I was a reasonably good poet.  Looking back at one of my highschool notebooks though, I realize how much my friends really cared for me, to make me feel as though those angst filled ramblings were actually worthy of awards and notoriety.

Anyways, back to my opening statement, and why I sometimes hate the internet.

We are given all this technology and so many ways to express ourselves and to open up to the world, but we still often hold back what is truly important in ourselves.  The things that we want most to say…but simply can’t say out loud let alone post for the world to see.  Sure Facebook has a “delete post” button, but once something is on the internet, it is out there forever…for good or evil.

I suppose I should put some sort of disclaimer here, so here goes…

I am a generally happy person.  I try not to dwell too much on failures and negatives.  I have my secrets and I have my pride.

I have things in my life that I know I can do and that I was meant to do.  Because I am human, and have human emotions I do occasionally doubt myself. And even when I do doubt myself, I will never give up on myself. I know how strong I am, even if I do sometimes need a strong person to lean on.

Again I say that I am human, and thus not perfect.  I may act like it sometimes, and like a “know-it-all” but I know my limits and faults.  I accept them because they are a part of my uniqueness.  They are part of what makes me…me. I feel loved by so many people despite those faults, so I claim them as part of myself.

I am strong, but I am also weak.  I know what I need, but not always how to achieve it. I do the best I can, and sometimes it’s not enough.  I feel small sometimes even though I talk big.  Sometimes I feel stupid, even though I know I am intelligent.  I sometimes feel mean, even though I know I have compassion.  I feel like a burden, even when I try to lighten a persons load.

Perhaps none of this makes sense to anyone else, but these are my human imperfections.  I am a walking contradiction.  I am 30 years old and still looking for my place in this world.  I want to give of myself freely, but at the same time I want recognition and love.   I’m good at keeping other people’s secrets…but I’m not good at sharing my own.

If you made it this far you definitely deserve a medal, or a cookie.

And so I continue on my life journey. And I hope you will all stay with me along the way.

Added after original posting…

It has been pointed out to me that perhaps I missed the point on what any of this has to do with the internet. (I changed the original title after posting as well)  I guess its mostly an indirect thing.  Internet is supposed to be this amazing medium.  It is supposed to open up the world and give us all some sort of freedom to indulge in its many wonders.  Easy access to any information we need, from scientific facts, history, or even just to settle arguments of whether or not Gary Sinese or Gary Oldman was in Forrest Gump, and which one was Bram Stokers version of Dracula.

Internet is supposed to be this open window to the universe. Blogging and social networking sites are supposed to give the most common, and “normal” of us humans a voice. A medium to vent and basically give us an online diary or party line.

My point is that even those of us who use this technology, some of us still hold back.  We still don’t share certain parts of ourselves, and some people feel even further alienated.  We see the reactions to other peoples sharing, and the consequences of that sharing, and we still shy away from it.  In some ways the internet gives us a chance to be anonymous, but even in that anonymity, we still feel like we can’t open up. Or at least some of us can’t…

Just today I deleted a picture I had posted.  A simple screen shot of my Horoscope for today.  Why?  Because I felt that the comment left by a family member was perhaps sarcastic (maybe not, but thats how I read it) and I felt mocked.  I don’t believe in the predictive abilities of horoscopes, but I read mine now and then just for fun.  Todays struck a note with me.  It seemed fitting to how I have been feeling the last few days, so posted it more as a small ode to the oddness of the timing, and perhaps as a passive aggressive way of letting my friends know that I’m feeling overwhelmed and tired.  But because that simple facebook comment struck me the wrong way…I deleted the picture…deleted my self expression. And why?  Because I didn’t want to be teased.

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