peace

All posts tagged peace

Moving Forward

Published March 9, 2014 by S

Life Updates:

  • As of June 1, 2013 my husband and I separated, and are now working towards a divorce.
  • I continued on with my 2nd surrogacy journey, and delivered healthy boy/girl twins in October 2013.  You can read my story on my other blog dedicated to my experiences.  baby2beforyandc.wordpress.com

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“Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.”

“Happiness is not simply given to you, not can you expect another person to be responsible for your happiness, else you are doomed before you even begin.”

“Those we love can be supporters and help us nurture our happiness, but they cannot guarantee it. Only by looking within can we truly learn to feel and express the joy of living.”

I don’t know who wrote these quotes, but it really sums up a lesson I have had to learn over the last few years. Hopefully others that are struggling can find the truth in these words as I have.

Take control of you life, stop sitting there blaming everyone and everything around you for your situation.

Yes, bad things happen that set us back but your life cannot be handed to you. Everyone struggles, and everyone has sorrow. Everyone has trials, and everyone has disaster. You cannot live your life comparing it to others, and expect good things to start happening. You cannot live a life expecting something good to “just happen” without taking a few steps to make it so.

Despite my upbringing, I do not have a religious faith, but I do have a faith in humanity and in our ability to survive. I have faith that no matter how bad something is, somewhere there is a person who will help me, if only I have the strength to ask.

I do not turn to God to fix my life or give me strength, although I can see why some people do.  I have learned to trust in myself, and to draw strength from the love I have in my life.

I do not need romantic love to survive, and I do not need romantic love to validate my life.

I want romantic love in my life, but I can survive without it. I want romantic love in my life, but I can be happy without it.

I learned over half my lifetime ago, that simply sitting there waiting for someone to take notice and make things better for me was not going to work. I learned life doesn’t work that way, and that if I didn’t speak up, if I didn’t ask for help….no help came.

I have suffered loss through death…and I have survived. I have loved, and then been alone…and I have survived. I have struggled to grow and I have made bad choices…but I have survived. I did not always succeed, even when I tried my hardest, but I learned…and I have survived.

I do not have a perfect life, but I have the life I made for myself. I am happy and I am proud. I have the love of my family, and the promise of new love in my future.

I have endless doors open to me.

Now I just need the courage to step through…

Reflections of Myself

Published January 5, 2013 by S

Tonight I had a very strange experience.  I honestly am not sure how to describe it.

Mike had just gone upstairs to go to bed after trying to watch a very odd-looking movie, and I went to the bottom of the stairs to ask him a question.

We have random mirrors up throughout our house.  Not fancy ones or particularly interesting ones, with the exception of the round  one that was a wedding gift from close family friends, but in this particular house has not really found a home on any wall.

So while standing at the bottom of the stairs, I happened to look to my right at the cheap mirror that I had bought at Walmart several years ago to hang by the front door of our second house. I don’t know what it was, but I just kept looking at myself.

I will admit that I can be vain, but I have never been “stare-at-myself-in-the-mirror” vain.

I really can’t describe the weird feeling of peace that I felt. I searched my face in my reflection for something. I don’t know what, but looking at myself tonight, I felt a strange sense of peace. It was almost like my inner voice said, “Aha!  There you are!”

I didn’t have any bright or startling revelations, but I couldn’t seem to form any of the usual thoughts I have when I inspect myself in the mirror as we all do from time to time.  I didn’t see that my cheeks are perhaps more rounded than I want them to be, and I didn’t see that I am in desperate need of an eyebrow waxing.  I didn’t see what I think of as my “hooded” eyes, or my pale skin.  I didn’t see my desperately-needs-a-cut-and-style hairdo.

I just saw…me. And for some reason, it was very hard to turn away. It was almost like I was trying to memorize the person being reflected back at me, as if I might never see her again.

All in all, it was just strange.  But I was at peace.

I eventually clicked into myself again, and words to write this posting started flooding into my head. My phone was within reach, so I tried to take a picture of this serene moment to help me remember it later.  Of course the pictures on a cell phone are nowhere near as good as ones taken with a real camera…held and controlled by another person, but it was all I had handy.

Someone told me once that I’m a “Mona Lisa smiler”. Whenever I think I’m smiling a little curious smile, it tends to look almost like a small frown, or maybe just a plain old poker face. They said that when I smile, I look like I know something, but don’t want to let on that I know something. I don’t think I really understand what they meant until now.  Over the years I’ve learned to exaggerate my smile for photos, but tonight, it just didn’t seem appropriate, less honest somehow.

Peace 3ImageImage

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